I’ve been a busy girl.
NikonD60 18-55mm and 55-200mm
I decided to spend this Christmas alone. There’s a lot of backstory there obviously, but it’s not really important. I didn’t feel sad about this, I felt very at peace. I love being alone, probably too much.
So I booked a tiny airbnb in Ashland Oregon and disappeared to the mountains for Christmas. I arrived to a gated little cottage, with horses and chickens and acreage for growing hay and wine. It was completely silent, save for the animals.
I explored Ashland, walked through Lithia Park and then went back to the cottage as the sun set, early. I ate take-out chinese food, rich and indulgent and and then painted my toe nails. I watched Elf and drank peach champagne out of a huge beautiful blue goblet. I got buzzed and put on my hiking boots and took Lucy on a walk in the rain by their pond. The moonlight rippled on the pond and I sat on a soaking wet swing under a giant tree and listened to the creaks echo across the valley. Lucy is pretty lazy these days, she’s so old now. She lays under my feet and waits patiently for my every move. She is my family.
I smoked a bowl and went to bed early, satisfied with a quiet, peaceful Christmas eve. I woke up on Christmas before dawn, brewed some coffee and laced up my boots. Lucy and I hiked around the property, grateful for the break in the rain. I watched the sun rise over the mountains and didn’t even stop to take a picture. I just paused in the stillness of this Christmas. How wonderful it felt to be alone in the forest, cold air in my lungs, my sidekick by my side.
I spent the morning being lazy, searching the internet for the best hike to do that day. I ended up just loading everything up and heading the hour out to the summit of Mt. Ashland. I hiked a stretch of the Pacific Crest Trail and watched Lucy play in the snow.
And, wow. I’ve never seen trees like this before.
It was such a sweet, special Christmas. I know that decades down the road, I’ll be spending Christmas with the family I’ve created, and I’ll look back on my 25th Christmas with longing and nostalgia. Quiet, peaceful, indulgent. Christmas.
(via magnolia-dreamland)
Today
Marks 5 years free from him. Free.
That very last day, he grabbed my wrist and twisted it so fiercely, he left lavender fingerprints. I ran outside the bar and he followed. I said something nasty, I provoked him. So many eyes on us now. He punched me square in the face. I dropped. I was so tired of hiding. Bouncer holding me up like a rag doll. Sobbing. Begging to go back to my boyfriend. “He didn’t mean it! It was all my fault- I said that shit about his dad.” Red and blue lights, friends screaming. His friends pulling him away, pushing him against the brick wall at Murphy’s, “she’s just a kid what the fuck Andy!?”
My friends seeing for the first time what I meant when I said he loved me so deeply.
When you’re 19, love can feel a lot like a black eye.
I look back to how little I was then. Starving myself. 112 pounds of fear and shaky fingertips. I was miserable. Endlessly pulled by his tide. The most heavenly ups and the deepest, darkest downs.
I’m heavy now, full of gratitude and strength. A confidence in myself and my abilities no man could ever take away. I sold my belongings, packed a tiny car and moved across the country to start over. I live alone in a tiny apartment that is always filled with friends and food. I eat and I don’t bat an eye. I love and it doesn’t hurt.
I LOVE AND IT DOESN’T HURT, and someone needed to hear that today.
Cabin in the Woods
My dream home.
One day I will bathe with the birds and sing with the flowers of my log cabin home.
Indonesia, 2018.
(via blueridgebiotch)
(via blueridgebiotch)
(via blueridgebiotch)
Baked donuts cinnamon & sugar. Because sometime I can take a break from homework and enjoy Autumn. 🍂✨
😭🍂
(via regular-ana)
I feel very strange tonight, almost manic. I’ve been in Oregon for 5 weeks. Sometimes it still hasn’t fully hit me that like, I fucking did this. I decided I was unhappy, so I set a goal. I saved six thousand dollars and moved across the country alone, to a place that I didn’t know a soul.
The truth is, the ‘alone’ of it all does not scare me. It’s my favorite part. I love being alone. My favorite Friday night is a spent in my apartment, dancing to country music & cooking a meal in an oversized sweater, undies and thick socks.
I often feel such intense gratitude in these moments for The Alone.
One day I hope to be married and a mother and I will look back upon my 25th year and remember what a fucking independent badass I was.
I spent hours in my classroom today, organizing and getting ready. But I felt such joy and such pride. I left my classroom after midnight, which sounds absolutely insane but I have always been a night owl. I labeled 30 pencil pouches with names and numbers, and placed 4 pencils and a big pink eraser in each. I labeled 30 pencil boxes and emptied a box of crayons and markers into each, and put them in their cubbies. I put two more Velcro dots on 30 name tags in the hopes they would stop ripping up their name tags. I added borders for my reading and math anchor charts, cleaned off my kidney table and organized the rest of the community supplies. I moved two book cases in an attempt to open up the front of the room to feel bigger. I added a border to my whiteboard. I designed new behavior management trackers for my 7 wild boys. I printed green cards to give those who earn less than 10 tallies on the following; keep hands to self, follow directions with 3 or less redirects, tears and tantrums. I opened up 30 individual packs of scissors and glue sticks. I bleached my sink area. I wiped the fresh layer of sawdust off my book nook. I put away our reading teepee until we can learn how to follow directions. I paid $25 for command hooks, because I only had 18 hooks for backpacks but 30 children, and no, two will not fit on one hook. I tried. I wiped my tables and straightened my computer station.
Tomorrow I will return and plan with my team teacher. First grade is A LOT more prep than 3rd was at the start of the year, but I think/hope it will even out.
My class is challenging. I have so many kids, and 7 of them have severe behavior problems. But I love every single one of these sweet, sweet firsties already.
